Connecting the Dots — Part 2

So, this Anam Cara "soul friend" concept -- an ancient wisdom practice of human connection and service --how does it make any sense in today's world? 

For the past several years, I have had the privilege of serving as a mentor for the Anam Cara apprenticeship at the Sacred Art of Living Center. Along with my friends and colleagues, Ann Jacob and Stan Tomandl, we teach a track called "Healing Practices at the End of Life."  Over the course of a year, we spend time virtually with a group of folks from around the world who are interested in exploring the concept of Anam Cara more deeply.  To make this relevant for our times, we utilize and teach various concepts such as coma communication, meta communication, breathwork, nature-based guided imagery, creating sacred space, and using narrative. We teach all of these against the backdrop of our culture of a medicalized death.

 As I explored various ways to use narrative to help with the healing of spiritual pain and suffering, I had an Aha! moment (easy for me to recognize as they are few and far between).

Several years before I was invited to be a mentor, I discovered (serendipitously, which will be the topic of another post) an author/poet/mystic named Oriah Mountain Dreamer. Oriah is a storyteller who lives in Canada. I have been inspired by her since her work found its way into my world.

 I feel her poem, "The Invitation," is a modern-day Anam Cara job description. Period. For so many years, I read it as a beautiful call to self-healing that explored so many aspects of being human. I would refer to it when I taught, along with the insights of John O'Donohue, Rachel Remen, Michael Stillwater, and others, as a way for students to step outside their comfort zones and look for sources of "magic."

The Aha! moment (maybe a moment of magic for me) came when I re-read this stanza:

"It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back."

Suddenly, it seemed to light up as if by magic, and it stood out loud and proud. Wow, I thought, what if these words were being spoken by someone who was suffering, by all who are suffering and calling out for someone just to be there, saying, "Be with me, be with us in the suffering, don't run away."

Once I began to see this piece through that lens, it took on a new power and made the Anam Cara concept come alive in modern terms.

 Often, a person who is dying struggles with non-physical pain and suffering. We have no medications to fix that. We can sedate a dying person, but that can be a form of self-deception for the clinician. A sedated person may evoke an image of peace, but is the peace real? Does sedation equal a lack of suffering? I suggest that it does not.

The ancient Celts knew that the best way to deal with non-physical suffering was to lean into the pain. In other words, face it head-on and look for the underlying message or wisdom that the suffering brings. If you trust this Celtic wisdom, and I do, then our best way to help someone suffering is to help them face the suffering. But what does it mean to do that? It means we show up. We don't run away from them because we can't fix their pain. We learn to sit with them. Showing up means being there as you are, as your perfectly imperfect self.

 My experience proves how powerful this can be. Time and time again, I have seen a dying person struggling with unfinished business find solace, comfort, and guidance simply by having another human being there with them. The only credentials needed are HBC (Human Being with Compassion), listening and silence, and reflection. The simple question "Are you at peace?" can pave the way for healing.

With this new perspective on the speaker in “The Invitation”, I remembered something I understood once but had forgotten: When we sit with someone who is suffering, I am being asked, and I ask you now, Can we stand in the centre of the fire with someone who is dying and suffering and not shrink back? I say yes, we can, and we should. THAT is Anam Cara.

“The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved